


Rumors about the terrifying Kushina Uzumaki

by What_is_in_a_username



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Crack, Funny, Gen, Humor, I dont know how to tag things, Oneshot, but its funny so you should try reading it, but told from, collection of very short snipets, kushina centric, lots of ridiculous rumors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 23:18:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14199795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/What_is_in_a_username/pseuds/What_is_in_a_username
Summary: They told Naruto that they never revealed his parents because of his father’s enemies. That wasn’t true. The real reason was his mother and that no one could sleep at night knowing Kushina Uzumaki a spawned a child. The following is a collection of overheard rumors circulating about the Kushina Uzumaki.Just a oneshot, kind of a collection of short snippets.





	Rumors about the terrifying Kushina Uzumaki

**Rumors about the terrifying Kushina Uzumaki**

They told Naruto that they never revealed his parents because of his father’s enemies. That wasn’t true. The real reason was his mother and that no one could sleep at night knowing Kushina Uzumaki a spawned a child. The following is a collection of overheard rumors circulating about the Kushina Uzumaki:

 

I’ve heard that Kushina’s cooking skills were legendary, Aiko-san told me how one time she had managed to get an Iwa nin happily eat poison. Apparently, the Uzumaki were not only skilled in sealing but also had a fabled seafood cuisine. However, in Kohona we do not have access to very fresh fish, so she had to create entirely new recipes based on our ingredients. The result was so delicious enemy shinobi were volunteering to eat, knowing that it could possibly contain deadly ingredients.  

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

Every decently sized city in the land of Fire had multiple ramen stands that competed for her patronage. Sadly after her death, many of them went out of business.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

People say every third Tuesday she spoke an unknown language in her sleep. It is true I heard her do it once 12 years ago and I remember it to this day. It took a while to figure out the pattern but after several years of Uzumaki working in teams overnight, it was determined, that only on Tuesday, but not every Tuesday, she whispered a deep guttural language. It seemed to have a basic structure, however, Intelligence never manage to decode it. We aren’t even certain she can speak it while awake.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

In a small village in Grass, tomatoes were outlawed after she visited. It happened after someone, whose name is never mentioned, badly insulted her hair, something about it looking like tomatoes.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

Once when she was bored Kushina taught some animals how to use chakra. Those animals have been isolated so they may never, ever, ever spread in training ground 44, now known as the Forest of Death.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

There was a section of the cult of Jashin that saw her as the avatar of Jashin. They left weekly offerings of ramen for her, even after her death, and somehow they got eaten too.  

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

You know those 3 really strange shinobi working under Ibiki Morino. Yeah, I know most people are strange in the torture department, but you know the ones I’m talking about. I found out their origins last week. Kushina brought them, a trio of formerly enemy nuke-nin, back with her after a mission and called them souvenirs.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

Her Genin teammates are only known as minion one and minion two.  They currently work in the IT department and are considered experts after getting 2 years of practical experience under Kushina.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

It is whispered about by the higher ups, the official story was that Minato had rescued her, but he really saved the Kumo nin. I don’t know if you heard that Kushina-sama was kidnapped as a teenager, they record says the prodigy Minato Namakaze followed her trail and saved her, but I heard my captain once say that she lured them far outside the village where their cries would not disturb anyone. Then she made them bleed. Luckily Minato arrived in time to stop her from violating the treaty.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

The lord Third told Minato and Kushina never to tell the public they were dating for fear that the council not allowing Minato to be Hokage.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

You know how it is said several unnamed people will faint at sight of her holding a fuinjutsu brush and ink? Well, Hiroji-san said that Uchiha-sama was one of them. It is because Kushina once wanted him to move so she could be neighbors to Mikoto. So, she covered his entire house with hidden seals and triggered them slowly over the course of an entire year. After all that torment, she told him there was only one left, but never triggered it. He lived in constant alert for weeks before he caved and moved houses.  

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

The Raikage still flinches at the mention of her name.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

Once when she was low on supplies in Suna she captured several nin, marched them back to Sunagakure and ransomed them back to their kage for more supplies. She considered each them worth their weight in ramen and after a heated argument with elaborate logical explanations, she got it.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

Her record prank streak was 74 days in Kuma, never had their elite force look so colorful. The following generation still wonders why there is a blank period in their records corresponding to those days because they censored all record of their embarrassment.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

In the Jonin lounge its still standard procedure to check for booby-traps over the door, 12 years after her death.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

She holds the record of Kohona citizen with most laws made specifically for them. I tried to find out how many exactly, but an ANBU squad visited last week and told me to stop.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

  
I found out when I joined the infiltration section, that Uzumaki-sama was revered there. Her stealth skills were so good; she was the infiltration office’s patron goddess. We have a shrine with her likeness carved from jade, placed in a corner with fresh incense every day. Supposedly, an offering always improves your chances on your next mission.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

They say she had demon blood and was descended from the Shinigami. You could feel the demonic aura when she got angry and her hair would begin the writhe in the air behind her.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

Jiraiya told me that every full moon she would bath naked in the moonlight, and men that went to peek at her were never seen again. He claims to he’s the only one you survived the experience.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

She was never allowed another Genin team after she broke her first team. Those three poor Genin, crazy but terrifying when she was done with them.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

There used to be a Nakamura Clan. We don’t talk about them anymore.

 

ಊ(╰◣▂ ◢╯)Ψ

 

There is a reason Minato is the one who invented and uses the Flying Thunder God seal. It is that Kushina was no longer allowed to use any space-time fuinjutsu after tampering the primal forces of the universe to make instant ramen, truly instant.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey-o! I was joking around with a friend and it got me thinking about how Naruto is a totally prankster and takes after his mother, then I fell down the rabbit hole and wrote this smorgasbord of ridiculous rumors. I spent the whole time writing it, cackling to myself. I might expand further this compilation, but probably not.  
> If you too felt like cackling, leave a comment or kudos. I would love to hear what the people of the internet think.


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